the greatest error
in my life so far is
not playing tennis
with irena and wyne
in amsterdam
this weekend.

i will never be able
to correct this error.
the damage is made.
opportunity is missed.
i will somehow learn
to live with it.

irena told me
i should
write a poem today.

i said: fuck that,
i will not write poems
on a saturday.

i first write in a google doc
they i publish on my website
then on my facebook page
then i make an image
which i publish
first on my telegram channel
and then on x.com
and then i email the image to myself
and i open that email on my phone
and i publish the image
on my instagram as a post and a story
and finally i publish it on tiktok
and if a poem is particularly interesting
i will ask irena and my kids to read it

for a long time
it was my dream
to visit sicily.

finally i will do it
with irena and the kids
this july.

if you have any tips
or want to meet
email me at nikola@tosic.com.

for many years
i washed my penis
in the bathroom sink.

before you judge me
this is our third bathroom,
the smallest one,
in my office,
that mostly i use,
and i always wash it well
after i wash my penis in it.

but i still felt guilty
that i never told this
to irena.
i never lie and
i also never withhold
important truth.

i was under pressure
for years
and it was, in a small way,
damaging our relationship,
but i was waiting for
the right moment to tell her.

and one day,
after we have not been together
for a long time,
we had impulsive dirty sex
in that bathroom,
and it made perfect sense
that i wash my penis in the sink
in front of her
and i casually told her
that i do this sometimes,
and i felt so relieved
that i was able to share this with her,
and the horrible pressure
was finally gone.

now i have to figure out
how to tell the kids.

ps
irena read this poem
and told me i already told her before.
but i forgot this.

pss
i realized our kids will
read this poem.

i am sorry
that i did not publish poems
in the last two weeks.

i did a road trip
across italy
with irena and the kids.

i wrote this poem
as if someone noticed
and cared.

this morning
while taking a shower
i forgot how old i was.

as soon as i got out
i asked irena if i was
fourty four or fourty five years old.

she told me i was forty four years old.
i was very happy because
i won a free year of life.

i was pissed off
7 % that my father died
23 % that I will die
59 % that my children will die
12 % that Irena will die
84 % that everyone else will die